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PostSubject: WtfOlden   WtfOlden EmptyMon Feb 20, 2012 8:31 am

The ground shook with every step. Ganelon Brama, in a titanic set of platemail, strode down the street, his boots shattering the cobblestones beneath them.

"YOU THERE!" yelled a voice from the shadows. A lesser man would've been blasted to pieces by the sheer force of the sound. But not Ganelon. He fearlessly answered, "What is it, bitch?"

Vorn Tyrr emerged from the shadows. The once-puny elf now sported hulking muscles. The cane he oft used was replaced by a greatsword the size of a man. "ON THIS DAY I SLAY THE MONSTER HUNTERS."

Vorn brought his sword down. Ganelon sidestepped it, but the blast still threw him into a building. The entire structure collapsed under his weight. Meanwhile, Vorn's sword had shattered the earth, sending cracks every which way through the ground.

"YOU ARE POWERLESS AGAINST ME." Vorn swung again, the whoosh of air blowing the clothes off several female bystanders. He twirled and flipped his massive sword, showing off his perfect technique. No shirt could contain his physique; his burst to shreds.

Ganelon picked himself up out of the fallen house. He clung to thoughts of Linera, his super-hot, scantily-clad elven fiancee, and took an earth-shattering step towards Vorn. Now it was REALLY on. He swung his sword downwards - it was an enchanted greatsword, heavy enough to have its own gravitational pull. The sword struck Vorn's, sending out a shockwave of sound... and flames. The intense heat dissolved the flesh off of everyone standing nearby, leaving only dried bones.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" yelled Vorn, as Ganelon unleashed swing after devastating swing, shoving him further and further back. It appeared as though Vorn would be defeated, but then Ganelon was grabbed and thrown several hundred feet by an Archfiend.

"Thanks, sis," Vorn said to Catilyn, getting to his feet. He looked into her eyes for a moment before making out with her. Meanwhile, the Archfiend that had been summoned began to destroy all of Sanctimonia.

"BUILDING KICK!" it exclaimed, taking out the Crook and Horns with a single well-placed blow. "EXPLOSIOOOON!" the inn detonated with enough force to leave a crater 1,000 feet deep. The mushroom cloud vaporized several nearby buildings.

Suddenly, the Demon was obliterated, chunks of it showering the surface of Aeria like deadly meteors. Actually, they pretty much were deadly meteors. Standing behind where the Archfiend formerly was, was none other than Alec Smith, 12 feet tall and dual-wielding arcane miniguns. "It's time to end this."

Vorn tore himself away from his nude sister. "ALEC, NO! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!"

But before Vorn could say anything further, corks began pummeling his body. They filled his mouth to its breaking point, and then piled up around him. Soon, both him and Catilyn were buried in corks shot from Alec's twin miniguns.

"That was a cool trick," said Terri, embracing Alec. Alec peered down at her. "Oh no, this won't do." with a wave of his hand, her breasts expanded five sizes. "Much better."

Ganelon came back, his foot-thick platemail making more cracks in the street. "Oh, you got him."

"Yes, but I doubt this will be the last we see of him."

The sun exploded.
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PostSubject: Re: WtfOlden   WtfOlden EmptyMon Feb 20, 2012 8:31 am

The Black Hawks Rock Civilization TO DUST

"I guess what I'm trying to say is... well, I like you. I think you're cute."

"CUTE?" Kira's response echoed down the street with enough force to shatter glass.

Deven picked himself up out of the rubble of a brothel, as several women in various stages of undress ran screaming away from the building. Most of his bones were broken, but he paid them no mind. After all, he was a paladin of Tyr. "Yes. And I was wondering if we could go out sometime."

"NEVER! IN TEN THOUSAND YEARS NEVER!" Fire exploded out of Kira, vaporizing her clothes and engulfing several city blocks.

Deven's flesh sizzled, bubbled, and melted, yet still he stood his ground. "THEN TEN THOUSAND YEARS I SHALL WAIT."

Thordi the Brutish stood in a bar, drinking a keg of ale. He had tried to sit, but his bulk had crushed the stool to splinters beneath him. He had been using one to pick his teeth, when Kira walked in, her body literally smoking hot. "Don't ask," she said, heading to the back.

The door then flew off its hinges. Through the shattered door frame walked none other than Commander David Hallbery and a platoon of guardsmen. "Enough is enough," said David. "You mercenaries are about to go out of business."

"Is there a problem?" Thordi gave a smug grin.

WtfOlden Thordi

The sheer smugness was enough to send their bloody remains clattering to the floor.

Taric stepped into the room, bones crunching like the floorboards beneath his heavy boots. "Thordi. What?"

"Ah, there ya are. Right, well, down t'business. I called you here t'tell ya you've all been selected for a special assignment. Big stuff."

"Why not use mercs? Whaddya need us for?"

"Because some damn fool accused you of being the best."

"William!" said Taric, stepping towards the suave, cunning commander. "You son of a BITCH."

Their hands clasped, and everything exploded. A gigantic shockwave swept across Aeria, obliterating everything in its path. The very ground was molten, sand was as glass, buildings turned to rubble. Their huge muscles bulged as both of the thropes struggled against each other. A smile spread on Taric's mohawked face. "Wha's the matter? Crafts Guild has you pushing too many pencils?" Outside, the world burned.

"Had enough?"

"Make it easy on yourself, Taric."

They continued for a while longer, until finally, Arkhauser yielded. "Okay okay okay."

"Did know when to quit, eh?"

"Damn good to see ya, Taric." He began to guide the barbarian away, to a place the two could talk.

"What's with this fucking shirt business?" Taric pointed to Arkhauser's shirt, which was stretched to the breaking point across his brilliantly toned abdomen.

"Ah, c'mon, forget about the shirt, man."

The moon exploded.
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PostSubject: Re: WtfOlden   WtfOlden EmptyMon Feb 20, 2012 8:31 am

Lex Barristan GOES FASTER

"So I heard you were fast. Really fast." It was later in the day, and Terri Solana was sitting in the bar with Lex Barristan.

"It's true."

"Well, I don't buy it. I say we have a race."

"Fair enough." They walked outside.

Terri pointed to a building at the end of the street. "We'll race to there and back. Ready?"


"Wait, what?"

"We started, right? I'm finished."

"...that's bullshit, you didn't even move."


"Huh- oh... oh my Gods..." Terri threw her head back. For several seconds, she was lost in rapturous pleasure. Her face then became hot with anger. "YOU BASTARD!"

"I hope you used some kind of contraceptive. Because I didn't."

"I'll kill you!"

"Looks like I," Lex said, sunglasses rising to his face, "entered into this too fast." He went screaming into the sunset.

Terri tried to run after him, but his tremendous speed knocked down several buildings and broke the sound barrier. The shockwave sent her flying backwards, right into a mob of women. Linera Windwalker, Cyona Vale, Persephone Kironis, Jessica Winters, Evangeline Melwasul, and Sirius Daseios, to be precise. All of them were knocked over, right into the muddy patch of road they happened to be standing in.

"What the fuck?" cried Persephone. "This dress was worth more than YOU." She threw a punch at Terri, who expertly dodged it. It sailed into Cyona's face.

"OW! Damn it!" She flailed at Persephone, who shoved her into Jessica. Evangeline and Sirius teamed up to try and take out Persephone. She kicked both of them in the shins, sending them sprawling into the mud. She was suddenly tackled from behind by Linera, who tore at her hair. "Ow! OW!" Persephone threw her over her shoulder.

The muddy water splashed Terri and Jessica, who lunged for Persephone. "You like your dress?" yelled Terri. "How about now?" she tore open the top of it.

"You BITCH!" Persephone ripped Terri's shirt open. Meanwhile, Jessica tore Persephone's dress further. The vampiress punched her in the gut, and ripping her shirt too.

Linera got behind Persephone again, and tore the dress off completely. Not wearing any underwear, Persephone spun around and sent her sailing into a merchant stand, destroying it. Linera's top was clutched in her hand. Evangeline and Sirius finally managed to stand up, and the two of them grabbed Persephone. She struggled against them as Terri walked up to her, fist at the ready. But then, in a burst of strength, Persephone sent Evangeline hurtling into Terri. Terri struggled to get the tribal woman off of her, and came up holding her loincloth. Evangeline flushed in anger and embarrassment, lunging for Terri. The two of them fell into the mud, flailing with each other. Persephone, meanwhile, flung Sirius aside, and stepped up to the topless Linera. The elf threw a swing at her and missed. Persephone grabbed her by the throat, and kissed her intensely.

Linera's eyes bulged. She fought hard, but the vampiress was too strong. She let herself relax, and in no time, she was returning the kiss.

"Stop! I'm sorry," Terri said to Evangeline, handing her her loincloth. Evangeline took it, looking ashamed. Then she dropped it to the ground, grinning at Terri. They started making out.

Cyona got to her feet, about to attack Jessica, until she saw what was happening. Both of them watched for several moments, silent and bewildered, before turning to each other. In seconds they were embracing, Cyona's lips pressed against Jessica's. "Oh, Cyona..."

Sirius sat by herself jealously - until Kira Fyne joined in, still quite naked from before.

L-Con. Martyn Eytinge went sailing into the mud, having been tossed like a ragdoll by Thordi for trying to arrest him. A painting landed beside him. "Mutter- NO!"

Soft hands suddenly began stroking his ears and tail. He was surrounded by muddy, barely-clothed women, most of them kissing eagerly. "Lora be praised."

A star exploded.

Last edited by Munroe on Mon Feb 20, 2012 8:32 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: WtfOlden   WtfOlden EmptyMon Feb 20, 2012 8:31 am

Anselm Benoist HAS NO ARMS

Anselm was sitting in his usual place in the bar, surrounded by beautiful women. "Anselm, how did you lose your arms?" one of them asked.

"Well," said Anselm, "when I was very young, about 4 or 5 years old, I was going fishing out in the river. As it turns out, bears don't like it when you go to their fishing spots and start grabbing fish out of their mouths. So one of them tore off my arms."

"Oh, no," said one of the girls, held captive by suspense. "What did you do next?"

"I did the only thing I could do. I killed it with my teeth. It fed my family for two weeks."

"You're so brave," cooed another woman. "More ale?"

"Yes please." The woman held the cup to his lips, and he drank. "Ah... I love you girls."

"We love you too, Anselm-"

The door exploded, and six ogres stormed the bar. The patrons ran screaming; Anselm's women all cowered behind him.

Anselm rose from his seat. "Gods-damned ogres interrupting my drinking hour! BURN IN HELLS!" He grabbed a table in his mouth and flung it straight at an ogre with deadly accuracy. The table shattered to splinters against its head, leaving its face a bloody mess. It collapsed to the floor.

Three more came striding up to him; the rest seemed busy making a mess of the inn. Anselm kicked the first one in the shin, with enough force to shatter its bones. It moaned in pain, falling onto one of its companions and sending both of them to the floor. Anselm then kicked a chair into the face of the remaining one. Its head snapped backards, and it dropped like a sack of boulders. Anselm strode up to the nearest fallen ogre. He raised his boot, and stomped its face. His foot broke through its skull, vanishing inside its head. Blood and brain matter flew everywhere. The other two ogres began to get up; Anselm ripped his foot free and kicked one in its weak spot. The ogre's eyes bulged; it looked down to see spurts of blood shooting from between its legs. It died.

The third ogre was finally up. Anselm spun into a roundhouse kick, his leg bending the ogre's knee at a horrible angle. It snapped like a twig under its massive weight, and the ogre collapsed to the floor again. Anselm walked up to it, bent down, and tore its throat out with his teeth. Only two ogres remained alive, and by now, their slow minds had begun to realize they were getting their asses kicked. They lunged at Anselm, to grab him by the arms. Their hands clasped nothing. By Gods, the man had no arms! Anselm sunk to the ground, doing a low leg sweep. The ogres were knocked flat on their asses. Getting up, Anselm walked to each one, kicking it in the head with enough force to send brains streaming out into the room.

After he was finished, he walked calmly back to his seat. The women stood there in shock and awe, as he sat back down.

"More ale, please?"

A cloud exploded.
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