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 Brughach Wheaton

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Green Bannana
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Join date : 2012-09-01
Age : 21
Location : Florida

PostSubject: Brughach Wheaton   Sat Sep 08, 2012 1:19 pm

Full Name: Brughach Wheaton


Nickname(s): N/A


Gender: Male


Age:18


Race:Human


Languages: Common


Birthplace:??( Read story to find out why)


Occupation:He really doesn't have one yet but he like to do wood working



Hair Colour: Dark Brown

Hair Style: Shaggy

Eye Colour:Hazel


Skin Tone:Pale


Height: 6'2


Weight: 210


Body Type:chubby, appears to have some upper body strength



Distinguishing Features:medium size scare across his hand



Personality: For my personality I don't really know I mean I like to think I keep to myself but I really don't. I put my self in danger

alot of times I have no clue why it-it's just the felling I get from it....I can't even explain it





Biography: (WARNING STORY MAYBE SHIT I AM VERY TRIED RIGHT NOW)I don't really know very much about myself after waking up next to the river but after that I can remember it all, ha.

After waking I found a dead man, I haven't told anyone about him because they would think I did it, hell I don't even know if I

killed him or not, but what I am accountable for is what I did to him ...Well you see I only hade my under clothing on and I was

freezing, well you know because of me being next to a small river, but lets get back to the story. I took the mans clothing and

his bag that was full of 50 coins which I later found at the locals call them "shilings." I also found glass tube that was full of

this type of sap, it was 3 inch's long, 4 small hide coin purses, ha probably a merchant because I'm guessing he used those to

give money to the people, but what I'm I saying I really don't know. Also an iron whisk full of cold water, probably from his bag

bag being in the water, and a large cloth. I really don't know what got into me but who could blame me I was freezing, half

naked and really confused at that point. But let us get on to the good parts no one really cares about all this, do they? After a

day or so of being a town, ha I still don't even know the name of the town. I stumbled into a building full of oranges and they

yet again I don't know what took control of me but I took 10 of them stuffing them in my bag and walking out like nothing

happened, as i'm strolling down in the street I see a merchant and sell the oranges for-err...dammit ah yes! Shilings. sold them

for 3 shilings each and well I hope you can do math, I got 30 shilings from that, wait- let me check the book yep I now hade 80.

Yep 80 shilings! Well lets skip all he boring stuff after 2 days i hade 42 shilings I bought a sandwhich and funny thing I met

this hot head elf who sold me a knife I really thought she sayed 30 shilings for it after I handed the money to her she got

pissed and started yelling, turns out she said 35 shilings, funny thing is after running about felling really bad for doing that I see

her again in the bar and she's yelling at the a guy about nature and how she doesn't really respect it, and he respects the

woods, and land he lives on. After 20 minutes of arguing she left but to skip all of this it ended with her pointing her bow at

yeah I know her bow! because I quote "I was invading her personal space." But this is were my story ends for now I need to

find out who I was, and were I came from...... (If the story was shit tell me I was really tried when I wrote it)




Skills: Skilled with knifes





Deity: N/A


Weapon: Medium size iron blade, quiver full of 20 arrows


Gear: Light leather armor, boots, and clothes. Wears chain mail clothes when working with wood.


Misc. Inventory: 7 oranges, 3 inch tube of sap(from a tree), 4 leather coin purses, bottle full of water, 3 by 3 feet cloth.





Injuries/Conditions:He was stabbed by a dark elf in town but the blade didn't cause serious injuries

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Markka
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PostSubject: Re: Brughach Wheaton   Sat Sep 08, 2012 11:49 pm

I'll give it a read when the spacing has been fixed.
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PostSubject: Re: Brughach Wheaton   Sun Sep 09, 2012 1:32 am

Markka wrote:
I'll give it a read when the spacing has been fixed.

Not to sound elitist, but I'm with Markka on this one. It's really really hard to read.
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noodle
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PostSubject: Re: Brughach Wheaton   Sun Sep 09, 2012 4:02 am

Markka wrote:
I'll give it a read when the spacing has been fixed.

Amen.
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PhoenixRhapsody
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PostSubject: Re: Brughach Wheaton   Sun Sep 09, 2012 5:16 am



1-up
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Dominator046
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PostSubject: Re: Brughach Wheaton   Sun Sep 09, 2012 6:13 am

I took the time necessary to read this... and, well... let me just say a couple things

First off, why have him go back and forth between leather and chainmail armor? If he has the chainmail, most people would probably just wear that. However, this is only the tip of the iceburg; while I admire the attempt at narration, you're all over the place. This needs structure if anyone else is going to at least READ it, let alone give you an accept. Distingush perhaps when you start narrating pieces of your application: Try and maybe use the Spoiler function, and type with italics, and put quotes in place at the beginning and end of each paragraph. Another thing, you shouldn't narrate your personality, not only did it seem sloppy, but it also makes it seem unreliable; not many people in this world can be mostly honest about their own personality, let alone completely. Just as well, in your personality, you left big blanks and sort of gave up; I understand if you were tired, and you're going to edit this, but it needs to be done before anyone's going to give your bio a look.

Next up, you don't need so much spacing. Truth be told, everything until personality can be stacked one on top of other other, without any double-spacing needed. Maybe use Bold on the catagories, so it's easier for the eyes to go from one to the next.

Nextly, for the larger portions, don't double space between lines; I'm not even sure how you did this, but it's not necessary. Also, maybe put 3 spaces at most between major sections of the application, any more than that is just drawing out the scroll time. As well, the titles of the large sections (Personality:, and Biography:) should perhaps be placed above t he paragraph, to give the title an easy to read position. Just as well, I think everything underneath the Biography Section could be stacked together, if not moved up under Distinguishing features and added tot hat block.

Now those are the major structural issues here, let me get into more material that will help you: Don't be afraid to try out features. Make some titles bigger, use the preview. As well, when I read through your biography, I felt like I was reading a watered down RP log, even if you want to keep it short, I would try to add more color, and more description to your gear if possible.

I really hope this review helps; I can entirely understand those that came before me in their comments, but since I was able to read it, I wanted to try and help you as much as I can. = )

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Last edited by Dominator046 on Sun Sep 09, 2012 6:25 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Grammar fix.)
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noodle
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PostSubject: Re: Brughach Wheaton   Sun Sep 09, 2012 6:17 am

Okay, so actually read it, and his whole story revolves around waking up in the woods and an account of how he got his stuff from a dead man. It's also IC, so it should come from a journal of sorts.

Not good enough for me, yet.
Here's a type of template for you.

[PICTURE]

[BIO]

Physicality
-Hair Colour
-Hair Style
-Eye Colour
-Skin Tone
-Height
-Weight
-Body Type
-Distinguishing Features

(Personality isn't really necessary for a char page.)

Combat Skills
[Skill Level Scale]

-Melee (Current Skill Level / Max Skill Level) Determines skill with sharp and blunt weapons
Explanation of melee skills.
-Ranged (Current Skill Level / Max Skill Level) Determines skill with bows, crossbows, and firearms.
Explanation of ranged skills.
-Magic (Current Skill Level / Max Skill Level) Determines skill with spells.
Explanation of magic skills.
-Unarmed (Current Skill Level / Max Skill Level) Determines skill without weapons or magic.
Explanation of unarmed skills.



And, that's my basic template for character applications.
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PostSubject: Re: Brughach Wheaton   Sun Sep 09, 2012 9:35 am

Your spacing is bad and therefore I deny you.

Kidding, I'm not a cunt. Accept.
Sure, there are quite a few grammatical errors and such but you've clearly defined a well balanced character nonetheless. My only suggestion would to try and refrain from typing in the first person for things like your 'personality' as it can get confusing for the reader.
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Munroe
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PostSubject: Re: Brughach Wheaton   Mon Oct 08, 2012 4:51 am

Moved for inactivity.

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